How to reach Joy Unspeakable?

Heaviness. My mind is heavy with thought. So many ups and downs. I’m generally a very stable person. I don’t normally suffer from anxiety. I’ve questioned at times if I suffered from depression, but never a bad form. Just kinda down in the dumps.

I can’t really even eat today. I mean, I did a cleanse yesterday, so I should be starving today. It’s 430pm and I’ve had a cup of coffee, a 60 calorie Isadelight, and vitamins. I am just sick to my stomach.

I’ve fought cancer. (3.5 years ago-not now.) I went through hard emotions then. Especially the first 3-4 weeks up until chemo started when new appointments and schedules changed constantly to get all of my diagnostics in. But once I got on a normal schedule, I was ok.

I guess I have to admit that quick change gives me anxiety. Non-plans give me anxiety. Again, I’m a pretty stable person. I like to think almost rock-like in so many situations. A positive responder/light to many. However as I’m looking at myself now, and 3.5 years ago- I crumble when there is change and no preparation. It’s my weakness. My ‘Achilles heel’. It can put me in tears. And its simple things sometimes. I need time to adjust and mentally prepare for anything. More so with the changes that add things to my schedule rather than cancel things. I mean, I’ve been mad for hours over stuff like this. And I’m not a mad person. But if you want to upset me, albeit its often not directed at a person- I get it. It’s the situation. Others are affected as well. But not much else affects me like this.

I need to learn to let God calm me during these times. I do tend to feel better if I stop, take a breath, look around, talk it out. Have someone listen to me and tell me they hate it too but know its what we have to do. To tell me I am not the only one struggling. But what makes one take on change so much better? Reliance on God is the only thing I can think of.

So why am I ranting. Well, I’m stressed. My work schedule has gone in the last 6 weeks from steady normal, to 40 hours salary pay but with direction of helping places that need help, to dropping my hours in half and half pay, to going up, to going down, to changing on a dime and learning new roles with new people. You know that stress they say you get when you start a new job… well essentially that’s what’s happening over and over. And then there’s that point where I’m getting a normal check to half a check, I go to where my husband nor I are getting unemployment, to watching my checking account get stimulated by the government, and realizing that 6 weeks that stimulus check gave me comfort for is getting here in a few weeks and the account is about to be bare again. Now it looks like my hours are going back up again, possibly close to full time, but in all new roles.

We are rock stars in our profession. Willing to learn new roles in a flash. We will know the hospital floors well by the end and we just hope that administration sees that we are willing to do whatever to keep the hospital running smoothly. And we must give credit where due that our management have reached out and tried their hardest to get us work so that we aren’t furloughed.

We are stressed though because we want our normalcy. We want to treat the athletes and work with our coaches that we know and love. We want to be on the football field, soccer field, evaluating injuries, placing our hands on an ankle and working through rehabilitation. We want to be the healthcare providers we are trained to be. I desire to help someone get better. I am at a loss. There is loss to the profession where we can help others get better and active. I miss the smiling faces of those athletes I’ve bonded with over the years. Or maybe their frowns. They are all so special to me. I don’t even realize how much they are like family until I just can’t treat them. And as for my coaches, man, I feel they are lost as well.

On a positive note, I’ve had the opportunity to communicate and spend more time with my coworkers through all this. We generally are all alone at our sites and don’t really get to talk to each other much. But it seems we’ve been placed together to see how we all handle the changes together. We are our own safe zones. We can be close and we don’t worry about social distancing as much because we have made it 6 weeks and not been sick nor anyone in our houses. We’ve been working steadily. All 19 of us!

I miss my friends. I went on a walk with one of my best friends the other day. It was so amazing. We didn’t touch or hug. Just walked 3 miles and talked. It was the best. Tomorrow I’m running with a few friends. Again, so refreshing. A few weeks back I dropped off some bread to another bestie and chatted with her outside her house. I love my friends. But its so hard to have an opportunity to see them unless I’m working with them.

Thankfully on the home front things are not stressful. Although my husband is furloughed as well, he is working on home projects and working hard with the kids while they are home schooling. Our children are doing great. They may do what boys do and fight sometimes…but overall they have been amazing through this and are doing well with school. All A’s and B’s.
We had already essentially already paid into a home improvement prior to any of this mess so that has started and we are excited to see the changes to where we would like to see our house.

Church Continues online. Pastor Stacey speaks of how we need to have ‘Joy Unspeakable’. Man I’m trying my best. There are days that I am all smiles and happy and feeling positive about things. And days that just floor me. I want to continue reminding myself that Jesus is at the helm of my life and will guide me to safe waters if I rely on him to stay grounded and calm with peace.

I know I’m not the only one. We have our highs and our lows. Sometimes just getting it out makes one feel somewhat better.


One comment

  1. Hey cuz! I truly feel you on this subject and I feel we have now a “new normal” and it’s not just the corona or just the cancer, but a combo of the 2. Ever since my chemo it has been that way as far as anxiety and depression, but I pulled myself back up and thought I wasn’t gonna be able to get back in the work field or even feel like I was competent enough to have a job anymore. my Intelligence was being tested after all the drugs that was put in my system. So then I finally got a job , and I think I got the wrong job at the wrong time, (but I was so,excited that I even got the job) but it was in the ER and when I saw someone come in and the EMS was trying to revive him, all my anxiety surfaced again.
    I had been there 3 weeks at that point, and then another job came open and I accepted it and I love it! No high stress and no anxiety. So I’ve been there for 3 3mths and then get furloughed and working 2 days and then another surgery (lung cancer- partial lobectomy) so since I have not worked in 3 yrs I don’t qualify for regular unemployment, but maybe the pandemic( which I am still awaiting) and my husband has been out of work with no pay since March due to hip dysplasia and will be having total hip replacement on Monday. On the high note we have got out stimulus and that will last for so long, hopefully by then I will be getting some income into household.
    So I am the same way and the ups and down are harder to take now than before the cancer. It just seems like it’s a compilation of all things and I am a preparer as well and taking me out of “my new normal or my prepared state” just don’t fit.
    But like you I am relying on our God to get us through this as he has done through all our past.

    Keep your head up my sweet cousin! we will rise again and be as we once were where we have our normalcy!

    God is with us always!

    Liked by 2 people

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